FADE IN:
BLACK SCREEN
JOHN
(V/O)
I've always been one of those
people who took life as it
came... How was I to know God
had a sense of humour.
INT. BAR - DAY
John, good looking, confident and successful, stands
drinking at the bar with his FRIENDS, laughing and joking.
TITLE: 6 MONTHS AGO
JOHN
(V/O)
This is me. Happy geezer, aren't
I? Not much wrong in my life by
the look of me.
(beat)
Twenty four hours can make a lot
of difference.
CUT TO:
INT. ACCOUNTANTS OFFICE - DAY
John, with the hangover from hell, sat at his computer.
TITLE: NEXT DAY AT WORK
JOHN
(V/O)
Charles Morton was the company's
biggest client...
John presses the wrong button.
John = sheer panic!!!!
JOHN
(V/O)
I'd just transferred his entire
account to somewhere in Africa.
CUT TO:
EXT. AFRICAN JUNGLE - DAY
LITTLE AFRICAN sitting outside his mud hut checking his
bank statement.
He jumps for joy and does a little tribal dance of extreme
happiness.
CUT TO:
EXT. ACCOUNTANTS OFFICE - DAY
JOHN
(V/O)
Let's just say the boss wasn't
too happy.
John is unceremoniously kicked out of the front door by his
BOSS. His belongings follow in a box, hitting him on the
head and knocking him out.
JOHN
(V/O)
I knew life had its little ups
and downs so I wasn't too
worried. Then the girlfriend
said she wanted a word.
INT. POSH FLAT - DAY
A scruffy, unshaven John sits on the sofa being confronted
by his girlfriend, LISA, and her new lover, JASON, a six
foot tall body builder.
TITLE: TWO MONTHS AGO
LISA
...I've had enough of carrying
you, John. Two people contribute
to a relationship and you're just
not paying your way. You'll have
to leave.
JOHN
(mortified)
But, I thought we had something
special?
LISA
Special..? I hate to tell you
this, John, but there's never
been anything SPECIAL between
us...
(beat)
...your willy is just too tiny.
(staring lustfully at
Jason)
Unlike Jason's.
Jason grins.
CUT TO:
INT. POSH FLAT - LATER
John is at the door with his bags.
JOHN
(V/O)
She tried to let me down gently
of course.
Lisa is in bed with Jason howling with sexual ecstasy, legs
at a quarter-past-nine.
John starts to sob as he exits.
JOHN
(V/O)
At least I still had my friends.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - DAY
John's Friends look at him expecting him to get the next
round.
TITLE: A MONTH AGO
He counts the change and pieces of lint from his pocket. No
matter how hard he looks it'll never be enough.
JOHN
(embarrassed)
I don't suppose you could lend a
tenner, could you? I'm a little
skint at the moment.
His friends get up and leave.
John consciously puts away his change and tries to slip out
quietly.
CUT TO:
INT. FLAT OF SQUALOR - DAY
John, in worse shape than the flat, sits on the sofa
staring at the camera.
TITLE: YESTERDAY
JOHN
(V/O)
This is how you find me, a shell
of my former self.
Sat next to him, trying to stick a plastic spoon on his
nose, is the vaguely human, GORMLESS DUNCAN.
JOHN
(V/O)
Jobless, broke, single and only
one friend in the world.
JOHN
(to Gormless Duncan)
I've come to a decision... I'm
going to commit suicide.
GORMLESS DUNCAN
(not taking his eye off
the spoon)
My mum did that once.
JOHN
(V/O)
I'd sunk about as low as I could
go.
CUT TO:
INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME
DEATH plays air guitar on his SCYTHE singing his song in
the manner of the DARKNESS.
DEATH
You all have to dance with Death,
It's inevitable you do,
Sooner or later, my friend,
You're gonna be in the pooh.
CUT TO:
INT. FLAT OF SQUALOR - DAY
John and Gormless Duncan are on the sofa watching TV.
GORMLESS DUNCAN
Sleep with Old Mary down the
street. Killed my dad.
JOHN
Aids?
GORMLESS DUNCAN
No, iron! Mum said it woz a
waste coz it never ironed
straight after that.
JOHN
(V/O)
I wasn't receiving any
encouragement to cling to life.
CUT TO:
INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME
Death - Still grooving.
DEATH
Your death is in my diary,
You can't run, you can't hide,
I'm gonna hunt you down,
Bring you home with my scythe.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
John sits in a bath full of water.
JOHN
(V/O)
Drowning. Not everyone's first
choice of suicide I agree, but
it's a clean way of doing
yourself in.
John takes a deep breath and dunks his head under the
water.
Gormless Duncan enters, copy of the Beano clucthed in his
hand, pulls his trousers down and sits on the bog. He
starts to read.
John sits up, spitting water out.
Gormless Duncan starts.
GORMLESS DUNCAN
Sorry, didn't know it was
occupied.
A loud and very wet sounding fart erupts from Gormless
Duncan. John catches a whiff and gags.
GORMLESS DUNCAN
(by way of an apology)
Curry from last night.
JOHN
(V/O)
Killing myself wasn't going to be
as easy as I thought...
CUT TO:
INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME
Third verse.
DEATH
Bad dude of the afterlife,
Uniform of a black cloak,
When I finally come for you,
You know you're gonna choke.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
John has rigged up a noose hanging out of the loft, made up
of his old work ties. An intrigued Gormless Duncan watches
on.
JOHN
(V/O)
...take hanging for instance.
It's all about weights, ratios
and the effects of gravity.
John stands on the chair and puts his head through the
noose. He kicks the chair away and hangs there for a
moment.
Something snaps. John and rope fall to the floor. Seconds
later the roof joist supporting the noose falls through the
hatch and hits John on the head.
Gormless Duncan laughs.
JOHN
(V/O)
Should have worked out all the
variables first.
CUT TO:
INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME
Fourth verse.
DEATH
Remember me after you're gone,
Worms sucking at your skull,
You'll suddenly realise,
Life was really not so dull.
CUT TO:
INT. GARAGE - DAY
Head bandaged, John sits in his car.
A garden hose pipe connected to the exhaust leads into the
driver's window.
JOHN
(V/O)
Death by carbon-monoxide. No
pain, just a woozy sensation
drifting off into the big sleep.
It couldn't go wrong.
John turns the key and the engine starts. It runs for a
moment and then quits. John looks at the petrol gauge. It
reads empty.
John bangs his head on the steering wheel in exasperation
and knocks himself out again.
JOHN
(V/O)
But then I remembered you need
money to fill up with petrol.
Gormless Duncan's head pops in the rear window.
CUT TO:
INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME
Fifth verse.
DEATH
By my watch it's almost time,
The sands are running out,
You'll soon be joining me,
Of that there's no doubt.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
John searching through the bathroom cabinet. Gormless
Duncan stands behind him, watching with interest.
John grabs an electric razor and receives inspiration.
JOHN
(V/O)
Slashing my wrists. OK, so there
would be a little bit of pain,
but I'd just have to live with
it...
(beat)
...or not, as the case maybe.
JOHN
Have you got a razor?
GORMLESS DUNCAN
(grinning maniacally)
I'm not allowed sharp objects.
CUT TO:
INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME
Death, now in full rock glory.
DEATH
I'm the Death dude,
Yeahhhhh...,
I'm the Death dude,
Yeahhhhh...,
I'm the Death dude.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
John, still rifling through the bathroom cabinet.
JOHN
(V/O)
It was the pills that were to be
my release.
He comes across a bottle of Tamazapan.
He takes a few with a glass of water.
INT. FLAT OF SQUALOR - DAY
John is sat on the sofa with the same manic grin that
Gormless Duncan sports.
The TV is on.
JOHN
(V/O)
They were great.
(beat)
Somehow life didn't seem so bad
after all.
John is watching a children's TV programme, THE HAPPY
BUNNIES.
ON TV
PINK HAPPY BUNNY
Ooooh, 'appy Bunnies go fo' walk.
The Happy Bunnies go for a walk, there version of walking
at least.
JOHN
Go fo' walk.
EXT. STREET - DAY
John, smiling, happily out of his face, crosses the road.
Duncan's Car hits him with out stopping.
CUT TO:
INT. DUNCAN'S CAR - DAY
Gormless Duncan, tears streaming down his face, white
knuckled grip on the steering wheel.
GORMLESS DUNCAN
Goodbye, my friend, I hope you
find a better existence.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - SAME TIME
JOHN'S SPIRIT jumps up and looks down, amazed, at his now
dead body.
Death stands next to him.
DEATH
It's going to take a lot of
effort to mop that up.
(turning to John)
You ready then?
JOHN
(V/O)
Bugger!
CUT TO:
INT. HEAVEN - ETERNITY
GOD sits on his throne laughing hysterically at John's
plight.
He high-fives an ANGEL next to him.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
INT. DEATH'S FLAT - DEAD TIME
Death, ready in rock stance, crouches next to John.
DEATH
(addressing the
audience)
Come on, baby, rock with me one
more time.
Death and John strut the Funky Death Dance.
DEATH
(singing)
I'm the Death dude.
JOHN
Yeahhhhh...
DEATH
I'm the Death dude.
CUT TO:
GOD AND ANGEL
Grooving.
GOD & ANGEL
Yeahhhhh...
CUT TO:
DEATH AND JOHN
DEATH
I'm the Death dude.
CUT TO:
LISA AND JASON
Still in sex position.
LISA & JASON
Yeahhhhh...
CUT TO:
DEATH AND JOHN
DEATH
I'm the Death dude.
CUT TO:
FRIENDS
In bar.
FRIENDS
Yeahhhhh...
CUT TO:
DEATH AND JOHN
DEATH
I'm the Death dude.
CUT TO:
ACCOUNTANTS OFFICE
BOSS
Yeahhhhh...
CUT TO:
DEATH AND JOHN
DEATH
I'm the Death dude.
CUT TO:
LITTLE AFRICAN
Suited and booted, and covered in bling.
LITTLE AFRICAN
Yeahhhhh...
CUT TO:
DEATH AND JOHN
DEATH
I'm the Death dude.
GORMLESS DUNCAN
Sobbing hysterically.
GORMLESS DUNCAN
Yeahhhhh...
CUT TO:
DEATH AND JOHN
DEATH
I am...
(beat)
...the Death dude!
THE END
Death's Song:
You all have to dance with Death,
It's inevitable you do,
Sooner or later, my friend,
You're gonna be in the pooh.
Your death is in my diary,
You can't run, you can't hide,
I'm gonna hunt you down,
Bring you home with my scythe.
Bad dude of the afterlife,
Uniform of a black cloak,
When I finally come for you,
You know you're gonna choke.
Remember me after you're gone,
Worms sucking at your skull,
You'll suddenly realise,
Life was really not so dull.
By my watch it's almost time,
The sands are running out,
You'll soon be joining me,
Of that there's no doubt.
I'm the Death dude,
Yeahhhhh...,
I'm the Death dude,
Yeahhhhh...,
I'm the Death dude.
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