FADE IN:



            EXT. PUB - NIGHT

            The front doors of the pub are open and it seems to be doing
            brisk business.  A couple of muscular bouncers stand outside
            on duty, arms folded across their chests.



            INT. PUB - NIGHT

            The pub is heaving with a large number of young people.

            Women are dressed in their clubbing attire, some with so
            little material on they can hardly be categorised as dressed. 
            The men strut around or lean casually on anything at elbow
            height looking immaculate with their gelled hair, freshly
            ironed shirts and shiny shoes.

            Stood against the wall, staring at the available women with
            all the dignity of a hungry fox sizing up plump chickens, is
            RICHARD.  Next to him, looking at the women with a little
            more subtlety, is SIMON.  Both are in their early twenties
            and are as immaculately dressed as the other men.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I've never had much luck with women.

            Simon is the smoothest looking of the two and has the casual
            air of Hugh Grant about him.  Richard however, looks a little
            out of place as he stares openly at the various women.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)(cont'd)
                      It had been nearly a year since I'd been
                      with a woman and I swear Laura only slept
                      with me out of pity.

            A good-looking women walks past and Richard ogles her.  She
            notices and gives a look of disgust.

            Simon notices the look and turns to Richard, who's tongue is
            practically hanging out.  He leans forward to talk into
            Richard's ear.

                                SIMON
                      Don't make it so obvious.

            Richard nods and adjusts his stance so he is looking towards
            Simon.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      She dumped me three days later.  Said I
                      was too boring...

            A women wearing a little red dress a couple of sizes too
            small and matching red stilettos, walks past and flashes a
            smile at the two, which Simon returns with plenty of pearly
            whites.  Richard ignores her.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)(cont'd)
                      Things had started to get me down and I'd
                      been feeling lonely of late, so I decided
                      to do something about it.

            Simon leans towards Richard.

                                SIMON
                      Not that 'less obvious'.  You have to let
                      them know you're interested but not too
                      interested.

            Richard nods again and turns to look at the women.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      That's why I had enlisted the help of my
                      friend Simon.  What he didn't know about
                      women and pulling, hadn't been discovered
                      yet.

            Two girls walk past with freshly bought drinks in their
            hands.  Simon flashes them a cheeky little smile as they
            pass.  They giggle and return the smile.

            Richard smiles nervously at them, but they don't see it as
            they have already wandered off to find a seat.

            Simon turns to Richard and nudges him in the elbow, nearly
            spilling his drink.

                                SIMON
                      Didn't I tell you this was the place to
                      come.  Wait until we get to the club,
                      even you can't fail to pull there.

            Richard nods, his smile disappearing.  He looks extremely
            doubtful.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I couldn't wait to be let loose.



            EXT. CLUB - NIGHT

            A long queue stretches out from the entrance as bouncers
            check everybody who comes in.  Even so, they don't appear to
            be too fussy who they admit.



            INT. CLUB, BAR - NIGHT

            The familiar loud thump of dance music, with a heavy helping
            of bass, competes with the noise of alcohol filled patrons. 
            People, the women out numbering the men by a third, swarm
            around the bar like ants around a piece of over ripened
            fruit, the closeness and the heat creating a mass of sweating
            bodies.

            The women seem more attractive now they are sweat soaked,
            becoming somehow more sensual.  There is definitely something
            primal and sexual about the atmosphere.

            Simon and Richard stand back from the bar, watching the women
            walk past, having already purchased their drinks which look
            suspiciously nonalcoholic.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      Simon wasn't wrong.  How could anybody
                      fail to pull in a place like that.

            Richard has got the hang of smiling now and is gradually
            getting some responses, although it could just be the heat
            warming people up and stirring the sexual hormones.

                                RICHARD (CONT'D)
                      So when do we start?

            While Simon talks, Richard's eyes never leave the women.

                                SIMON
                      We've got to let the alcohol do its work
                      first.  A drunken or moderately drunken
                      women is easier to chat up...

            Simon lifts his nonalcoholic drink towards Richard as if to
            demonstrate something.

                                SIMON (cont'd)
                      That's why we're on this stuff... got to
                      keep a clear head.

            Richard looks disapprovingly at his drink and sips it
            disinterestedly.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I could've done with a little Dutch
                      courage, but I didn't argue.

                                SIMON
                      We should go and dance for a while
                      otherwise we could look a little
                      desperate.

            They both head for the dance floor with Simon in the lead.



            INT. CLUB, DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT

            The dance floor is a little less crowded than the bar area
            but the energy being expelled has increased the heat and
            everyone on the dance floor looks as if they have been caught
            in a rainstorm.

            Simon is in the middle of the dance floor, dancing like a
            demon.  His every movement is fluid and rhythmic, absolutely
            in time with the music.  It is almost as if the music is
            responding to his dancing.

            Richard, although doing his best, is out of rhythm and the
            effect is somewhat laughable.

            Simon manoeuvres himself behind a woman and starts to push
            his swaying hips into her back.  The woman responds by
            pushing her bottom back into Simon's groin and the two dance
            rhythmically, the women reproducing Simon's movements
            perfectly.  It's as if they are one.

            Richard sees the overtly sexual dance between Simon and the
            woman and looks around for a suitable target for himself.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I knew if I was going to learn anything I
                      had to watch Simon closely.

            He finds one almost immediately and thrusts his groin, rather
            unceremoniously and with none of the grace of Simon, into her
            hips.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)(cont'd)
                      After all he was the expert.

            The women is caught totally by surprise and turns around to
            find Richard waggling his hips towards her.  She is none too
            pleased.

                                DANCER
                          (disgusted)
                      Piss off!

                                RICHARD
                      Unfortunately I had to pick on the only
                      lesbian present that night.

            The women storms off with her friend who is looking at
            Richard as if he's got three heads.

            Richard embarrassedly stops thrusting his groin in the
            women's direction and pauses before dancing normally again. 
            He seems to be edging backwards slowly, away from the dance
            floor.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)(cont'd)
                      Good job really, as I needed the loo
                      anyway.



            INT. CLUB, BAR - NIGHT

            The numbers swarming around the bar have not decreased, if
            anything things have got slightly worse.

            Richard has just been served and is trying to get himself and
            his pint of beer to safety.  He fights his way clear only
            losing a third of his pint in the process.  He stands by the
            wall gulping at his drink.  In the blink of an eye it's half
            gone.

            Simon comes into view sipping from a bottle of water.  He
            looks drenched.  Simon spots Richard drinking.  He shakes his
            head and wanders over.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      Simon caught up with me at the bar, just
                      as I was finishing off a quick drink.

            Richard spots him too late to hide the beer.

                                SIMON
                      How many is that?

                                RICHARD
                          (guiltily)
                      Three.

            Simon shakes his head.

                                SIMON
                      Well leave it at that.  If there's one
                      thing women hate is some drunk trying to
                      get into their knickers.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      It was time to continue the lesson.

            Simon finishes his bottled water and drops it onto the floor.

                                SIMON
                      So where did you disappear to.

                                RICHARD
                          (shrugging)
                      I thought you'd pulled so I left you to
                      it.

                                SIMON
                      Don't be daft, mate.  I'm here for you
                      tonight not for myself.

            Simon looks at his watch.

                                SIMON (cont'd)
                      I think it's time we got started.  Let me
                      tell you how easy it is to chat women up. 
                      All it takes is confidence and a little
                      cheek, 'who dares wins' type of thing. 
                      First of all you've got to be able to
                      recognise the ones that want approaching.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I thought all women wanted to be
                      approached...

            Simon looks around and spots a group of women chatting to
            each other.

                                SIMON
                      Take those women for example.  It's no
                      good approaching them as they are a too
                      tightly knitted group.  It would be very
                      hard to try and pull one of them while
                      they're in the protection of their
                      friends.  It would be better to find a
                      lass on her own or maybe two of them. 
                      The fewer in number they are the less
                      protection they have from your advances.

            Richard nods enthusiastically absorbing every word with
            interest.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      Apparently I was wrong.

                                SIMON
                      Always give women their space.  Don't
                      crowd them.  Smile and laugh a little, it
                      puts them at ease.  Never talk about
                      yourself, always ask questions of them
                      and act as if you're interested even if
                      you're not.

                                RICHARD
                      How do I approach them..?  You know, what
                      do I say first?

                                SIMON
                      Just walk up and say 'hi'.  Start off
                      with a little story about yourself and
                      then start asking them questions. 
                      Pay them a compliment, but make it
                      sincere otherwise they'll realise you're
                      just trying to get into their knickers. 
                      Make them feel as if you're really
                      interested in them and that they are
                      worth spending time with.  Make them feel
                      special as if it's a privilege for you to
                      come and talk to them.

            Richard nods.

                                RICHARD
                      I think I've got it.  I had better get
                      started...

            Simon puts his hand on Richard's chest to restrain him.

                                SIMON
                      Whoa there, mate.  You have to learn to
                      walk before you can run.  Watch and
                      learn.

            Simon looks around for a suitable target.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      He had just started looking for a
                      suitable target when she appeared from
                      out of nowhere.

            On cue the crowd of people at the bar part for the first time
            that night, as if by some mystical force.

            Through the crowd walks the most stunningly good looking
            woman on the planet.  All the men gaup at her and the women
            look at her with undisguised envy and hatred.  She is truly
            blessed by God.

            Both Richard and Simon clock the woman at the same time and
            their jaws drop in perfect synchronisation.

                                RICHARD (CONT'D)
                          (in total awe)
                      My God...

            Simon recovers slightly.

                                SIMON
                      Now that is what I call a lady.

            The woman leans against a wall sipping her drink near a small
            group seated at a table.  The women of the group look at her
            like an animal who has just invaded their territory.  They
            snuggle closer to their men to let her know they own them.

            The woman looks around and spots Simon and Richard looking at
            her.  She flashes a little smile.

            Simon can't believe his luck.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I had to get to know her...

                                SIMON
                      Hello, baby...
                          (to Richard)
                      Watch and learn how it's done.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      ... But who was I kidding? She was out of
                      my league so I decided to let Simon have
                      her.  At least I had the opportunity to
                      watch the master at work.

            Simon swaggers over to the woman oozing confidence and charm,
            a king looking over his prized possession.

                                SIMON
                      Hi, I'm Simon.

            The woman looks at him and smiles politely.

                                MELISSA
                      Hello, Simon.

            Richard watches intensely as Simon proceeds to chat her up.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      It was like watching the Formula One
                      World Champion tear around the track in
                      record time.  A sheer privilege.

            Just as Richard finishes his drink Simon comes back.

                                SIMON
                      She is an absolute honey.

            The woman smiles at them.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I'd never seen Simon act like that... It
                      was... well, strange.

            Simon can't take his eyes off her.

                                RICHARD (CONT'D)
                      What's her name?

                                SIMON
                      Melissa... Melissa, Melissa, Melissa. 
                      You won't believe what she does for a
                      living...
                          (not waiting for an answer)
                      She's an underwear model.

                                RICHARD
                      So why are you here?

            Simon snaps his attention back to Richard.

                                SIMON
                      I'm getting her a drink.  Do you want
                      one?

                                RICHARD
                      Yeah, same again.

            Simon doesn't argue and wanders off to get it.

            Richard puts his empty glass down and heads for the toilet.



            INT. CLUB, TOILET ENTRANCE - NIGHT

            Richard exits the toilets adjusting his flies.  He makes his
            way back, through the heaving crowd, to his spot by the wall.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      It looked as if Simon was away so I
                      decided that I had better give it a go
                      myself...  I just needed another quick
                      drink first.



            INT. CLUB, BAR - NIGHT

            Richard makes it back just as Simon comes back with his
            drink.

                                SIMON
                      I got her a double.  It shows her you're
                      generous and gets her pissed quicker. 
                      Won't be long before I'm in between those
                      long legs of hers nudging open the gates
                      to paradise.

            Melissa looks over at them and Simon waves the drink at her
            before starting to make his way over to were she is standing. 
            He says a few parting words to Richard before he gets too
            far.

                                SIMON (cont'd)
                      I'll see you later.
                          (winking)
                      At home tomorrow, hopefully.

            Simon arrives back and starts chatting to Melissa again.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      You had to admire him...

            Richard looks at his pint.  It's full.  Simon managed to get
            back from the bar without spilling a drop.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)(cont'd)
                      ... In more ways than one.

            Richard gulps at his pint watching Simon in action.

            Melissa is shaking her head at Simon.  Simon looks taken
            aback but keeps smiling and chatting like the professional he
            is.

            Melissa takes a sip of her drink, immediately wrinkling her
            face up and looking at the glass.

            Richard takes another gulp of his drink.  When he looks up
            again Simon is walking back looking perplexed.

                                RICHARD (CONT'D)
                      You're leaving already?  That was quick.

            Simon ignores what Richard has just said.

                                RICHARD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                      He was a god.

                                SIMON
                      She said she wasn't interested.

            We can see Simon trying to work this out in his head but he
            isn't getting it.  Richard can hardly believe what Simon has
            just said.

                                SIMON (cont'd)
                      I know she doesn't have a boyfriend and
                      she's definitely giving me the signs.

            He seems to have come to a conclusion.

                                SIMON (cont'd)
                      I'll give her another chance... She's
                      probably just shy.

            He wanders back to Melissa who is looking over.

            Simon starts to chat to her again.  She seems to respond to
            this new approach.

            Not for long.  Melissa shakes her head again.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      She was proving to be a little difficult
                      but I had faith.

            Simon comes back.

                                SIMON
                      She's just playing hard to get.  I've got
                      to come up with a new strategy.

            Melissa is still looking over.

            Simon slaps Richard on the back.

                                SIMON (cont'd)
                      Any way listen to me, what about you? 
                      It's your turn, mate.  Pick an easy one
                      to start with...

            Simon spots the woman from the pub, the one in the two sizes
            too small little red dress and stilettos.  He nods towards
            her.

                                SIMON (cont'd)
                      ... Try her.  She's gagging for it.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I was just about to go for it...

            Before Richard can walk away they both notice Melissa walking
            towards them.

                                SIMON
                          (assured)
                      I knew she was only playing hard to get. 
                      She couldn't hold out for ever.

            Melissa walks up to Simon and puts a hand seductively on his
            chest.  Simon smiles and moves towards her.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      ... when the strangest thing happened.

            Melissa's fingers tense and she pushes Simon away and turns
            to Richard flashing a leg-melting smile.

                                MELISSA
                          (to Richard)
                      Hi, I'm Melissa.

            Richard struggles for the English language.

                                RICHARD
                      I'm... I'm Rich.  I mean my name's Rich,
                      I'm not actually...

                                MELISSA
                      Would you like to dance, Rich?

            Rich nods, which is just about all he is capable of.  He
            gives the impression of a child in a sweet shop who has just
            been told to help himself.

            Melissa leads him by the hand to the dance floor.  A totally
            stunned Simon can only watch.

            A slightly overweight plain looking woman, in a tight dress
            that shows all her bulges, swaggers over to Simon oozing
            confidence and vampish allure, a queen looking over her
            prized possession.

                                TRACY
                      Hi, I'm Tracy.

            Simon replies without looking.

                                SIMON
                      Huh, hello, Tracy.

            Tracy proceeds to chat Simon up.  He's too stunned to object.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)
                      I guess it was just my lucky night. 
                      Melissa and I have been together now for
                      three years and as for Simon...

            The SOUND of wedding bells slowly replace the noise of the
            club.

                                RICHARD (V.O.)(cont'd)
                      ... Tracy got her way.

                                                               FADE OUT: